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“Straight men don’t want you to be sexy and ripped and toned and perfect and hung and hairless,” he shares over text. He doesn’t fetishize straight men they just happen to treat him better. My friend Perry loves sleeping with straight men and hasn’t slept with a man who identifies as queer in years. Put simply, they might enjoy the attention they get from gay men. One is a fear of being judged by a female partner for expressing desire in something that is culturally perceived as “gay,” like prostate massage or rimming. (He makes a point to mention that none of the straight men he’s spoken to claim to be homophobic.)Īside from claiming they are closeted, a self-described straight man might have sex with other men for many reasons. More often than not, Kort has found that their answers all point toward them being straight.
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When these men come to Kort for answers, he asks them a series of questions about if they were ever attracted to men in their youth, if they are homophobic, who they want to wake up next to in the morning, and last but not least, what he calls the “beach test” (When you’re on the beach, are you checking out men, women, both, or neither?). As such, a straight man can have sex with another man and still be straight if that is how he views himself. Kort believes that identity is where you feel a sense of belonging and where your “home culture” is. There are plenty of gay men who are periodically sexual with women in context-driven situations but are not generally attracted to women.” “They don’t have any romantic interest in men and their sexual attraction is not generally to the entire man, it’s to the possible sex acts that are available to him with the man,” he tells NewNowNext.“That’s what sexual fluidity is all about. Kort has worked many clients who have sex with men and identify as straight and is adamant that these men are, in fact, straight. He boasts hundreds of thousands of views on TikTok where he defends straight men’s sexual autonomy among a multitude of other topics. Joe Kort, Ph.D, is one of the more outspoken professionals on the subject, which he has studied for nearly 40 years.
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“But if it comes from a place of fluidity, curiosity and free of toxic masculinity, it’s all healthy and good,” he says.ĭr. Joe, 28, thinks it’s fine as long as they aren’t choosing to identify as gay, bi, pan, etc. If you enjoy sex with men and women or multiple gender identities, you’re bi or pan.” “It pushes a narrative to hateful majorities that sexuality is a choice and can be flicked like a switch,” he says. Others, like Adrian, 25, regard these men as potentially harmful to our community. He thinks we should encourage more men to communicate with their partners, openly question societal gender and sexual norms, and learn to embrace the sexuality spectrum in a positive way. Shane, 34, is more supportive, adopting a “more, the merrier” mindset. “They should find fluidity in their sexuality and be proud of who they decide to sleep with,” he says. That they don’t accept their bi nature or don’t believe it exists, which leads to bi erasure. Some, like Matt, 24, believe these men are too scared to label themselves outside of heteronormativity. Since my perspective is just one, I decided to ask my mostly queer Twitter following about straight men who have sex with men. Though I knew my queerness to be true, I fooled myself into thinking it wasn’t real as long as I didn’t engage in sexual acts with another man. It sounds ridiculous, but shame is powerful. At the time, I’d convinced myself that by having gay sex, I would be a gay man, so I wouldn’t do it, no matter how badly I wanted to. The difference between me and most of these men is that I never had a gay sexual experience until I declared my departure from the closet.Īfter years of serious introspection, I realized that internalized homophobia was to blame. Take it from me: I identified as straight until I came out as bisexual at 27 years old and as queer at 30. But sexuality is a complicated and personal thing. It would be easy to denounce these self-professed straight men as closeted or confused, and in some cases, this may be true. (I’m generalizing here, but you know it’s true.) Their image-less profiles are all over Grindr, expecting you to show every square inch of your body without a single glimpse of their own. If a man repeatedly slept with other men but insisted he were straight, would you believe him? From a queer perspective, we’re well-acquainted with the type.